My Drug
by streeper3925
Summary: Some days are easier for Maura than others. Today was proving to be just the opposite. A short one-shot.


**I'm convinced that Maura is just head over heels in love with Jane. So I wrote this. I'm not really sure angst is an accurate description for I don't really think I'm talented enough to elicit any deep sadness, but it isn't a jump for joy kind of one-shot. **

**Anyway, enjoy!**

There were days when pretending I didn't love her with every fiber in my being was easy. I would become so ensconced in my work that my thoughts weren't allotted the chance to wander. To think of the rich, raspy timbre of her voice. Those wavy, silken, ebony locks. The way she curled a strand around her finger when she was lost in thought. I had told her it was a sign of sexual frustration. Which, scientifically speaking, it is. I was loathe to tell her that though. Because the object of that sexual frustration hadn't been me, it had been Casey. He doesn't deserve her. He doesn't know how special she is; how so amazingly blessed he is to be able to have her. All of her. I would give anything to have all of her. To call her mine. For her to want me as much as I so desperately crave her.

How cliché for me to think of her as some sort of drug. But, she is. Whenever she touches me: a slight brush of her hand, a lingering touch on my arm, her sometimes forceful grabs when she wants me to tag along with her. They're my fix. They keep me sane. Sated. If only for the fleeting moments when she does touch me. It's quite selfish of me, really. She doesn't know how much I covet her touch. I hope she never does. I couldn't take the rejection. And she would reject me; she would never want to see me again. And I couldn't bare that. Not from her. She is the one person who could irrevocably and quite literally break me. If I told her how I feel it would ruin our friendship, which is _everything_ to me. I have never before had a best friend. I have never before had someone who cared for me with such fierce, unwavering reverence. Whom would be willing to risk their life for the sake of my own. She fills a void inside of my heart that I never knew could be filled, that I never knew _needed_ to be filled. All those years of trying to get my parents to acknowledge me, praise me, _love _me had me convinced that was how every parent treated their children. With cold indifference. I never knew a family like Jane's existed, was actually _normal._

I, by no means, am any definition of normal. I am socially inept, gullible to a fault, and have the inability to recognize sarcasm. Though, when it comes to Jane I'd like to think I have grown increasingly attuned. I never know when to withhold from spouting off a random fact that seems, to me, very appropriate for the situation. Jane calls me a walking Wikipedia. I don't really see how that is accurate though as that particular website contains a myriad of false and tampered information.

I cannot help the words that tumble out of my mouth sometimes. All of my past lovers found it painfully annoying. Perhaps that is why they are now _past_ lovers. It would make things much easier to think of it that way. I couldn't keep a lover because I was "too weird" or they found my quirks impossible to deal with. Then I wouldn't have to admit to myself that every touch, every kiss, every caress given by them could never compare to those I imagined Jane could give me. Their skin was rough and scratchy, where hers would be soft and silky. Their touches insistent and hurried, while hers would be tender and loving. Their kisses sloppy and mandatory, hers passionate, hungry. Yes, I reached orgasm with them, some of them were really quite satisfactory. But, I knew it would be so different with Jane. Those men, and really, men in general, merely calmed a desire that was only extinguishable by one person. Our bodies would fit perfectly. It wouldn't be _just_ sex. It would be so much more. It would be _love._

I slammed my hands down on my desk and then buried my face in my palms. _I am supposed to be working. _

"You all right, Maura?"

I snapped my head up to meet dark, chocolate eyes laden with concern.

Damn it. Some days were just so much easier than others.

Jane was standing there, her long, curly mane cascading down her shoulders. She was wearing a deep purple shirt today, along with her usual black slacks, belt, and boots. Her hands were hanging by her sides and she tilted her head at my lack of response.

"Jane. I didn't hear you come in. Yes, I'm fine…I…it's just a headache." That wasn't a lie. My heartbeat was thunderously pounding against my temples. I gave her a small smile and she narrowed her eyes at me for a moment before she nodded and walked toward my desk. She sidled up beside me and bent down to open one of the drawers. The smell of lavender invaded my olfactory senses and I ever so slightly leaned closer to her. She pulled out a bottle of Ibuprofen, popped off the cap and shook two pills into her palm. She put the cap back on, tossed it in the drawer and extended her hand to me.

"Did you put those in there?"

She shrugged. "I figured with all the paper work you've had lately, you might need these." My heart pitter-pattered in my chest and I could feel the pull at the corner of my eyes from the grin on my face. She wrinkled her nose at me. _Oh, I love her._

"What?"

"That was thoughtful, Jane. Thank you." I took the pills from her outstretched hand, plopped them in my mouth, and swallowed. I glanced up to see her mouth hanging open.

"What?"

"No water?" I furrowed my brow.

"No, it isn't that difficult to swallow pills without the aid of a liquid substance." She chuckled and shook her head, her curls gently bouncing.

"Ok, Maur." Her eyes went to the papers covering the surface of my desk.

"Me, Frost and Korsak are going to the Dirty Robber for a drink if you wanna join us." She gestured to my desk. "Get away from all this."

"Oh, I would love to! Let me just clean up a bit here and I'll meet you upstairs?" I stood from my chair and began to close and organize the copious amount of files.

"You want some help?" She stepped closer and reached to close and stack a few files, our shoulders now touching. My eyes fluttered closed and the corner of my lip twitched into a small smile. There it was. My dose of her. Would I ever have enough?

I turned to her and my smile grew exponentially.

"Um, I don't really know if I'm putting these papers in the right files or not." She had two pieces of paper in each hand and was squinting at them as if they were written in French. She looked so utterly adorable I couldn't contain the giggle that bubbled out of my throat.

"Jane. I can do this. Thank you, though." I took the papers from her hands and shooed her out of my office, still grinning. She gave me an affectionate glance, that crooked little smile of hers, and then sauntered toward the door.

"Five minutes, Maur!" She yelled over her shoulder as she disappeared around the corner.

I chuckled and once I had stacked all of the files on my desk I went to take off my lab coat. As I placed it over the back of my chair, the smile Jane had elicited slid off my face and that all-to-familiar sadness began to seep its way into my bones. I found myself falling into my chair with the weight. Today was just like every other day. Nothing had changed one bit. I was still in love with my best friend and my best friend was still in love with another man. She will never know how much she means to me. She will never know how deeply I long to kiss her lips, to run my fingers through her long, dark tresses, to wake up every morning in her arms. She will never know for I will never tell her.

_No, I can't ever tell her. _

So I steel myself, shove those emotions aside, and make my way to the bullpen.

To Jane.


End file.
